It is veery uncommon for me to be happy with what I do. Never is this more true than when I’m creating something. Usually, if I’m in public, I will quite happily put on a smile or just playfully give-up. When I am alone however, it’s quite a different story.
I realised recently how unhelpful this dissatisfaction with my work is. The only reason that this has become prominent recently is because I have, after over 8 years of playing the piano (both classically and by ear) turned my hand to composing. By this, I mean that rather than searching for some chords on ultimateguitar.com I have sat down for hours apon hours and done nothing but compose.
This is often quite a depressing thing to do, as my “studio” is located at the opposite side of the house to where my family usually spend their time. It can also be very depressing because I will spend hours on a song, only to record it, move on, and then come back to it and bin it. I suppose, in a way, this is very beneficial to me, as everytime I move on, my standards are raised, which must mean that I improve every time I try.
I am still, yet though, to create something which I am at least satisfied with.
I don’t believe that the reason that I am so dissatisfied with my work is because I am “too harsh-a-critic”, but I instead feel that I am perhaps trying to emulate the standard of people 7 or 8 years older than myself. While this opinion is always at the back of my mind, it is never a good enough reason to lower my expectations, as I don’t know for how much longer I’ll have the desire to continue writing music.
I digress (“I guess I spent the best years of my little life, searching sineba island” (sorry, I couldn’t resist)), my “I am my harshest critic” story was only meant to be background :s EEP!
So today I decided that I would finally record ONE piece or music, and put it on BandCamp, seeing as I’ve now had quite a few requests to do so (that was nice of them 🙂 ). And so I got my mixer, my laptop, my external hard drive, my mic, my phono leads, my adapters, jacks, camera and tripod, and loaded up the car to pay my nan a visit.
“WHY?!” you ask? (even if you didn’t you may still be curious (even if you’re not it might be interesting))
Well because she has a 22 year old (reads off of phone to make sure he gets it right) “technics pcm sound ex5l organ” (shown below). As I felt that I music which I was recording needed a genuine ‘retro’ feel to it.
Well I can inform you that the organ performed WONDERFULLY! I have many-a-time informed my grandmother that her organ would be “perfect for recording on” and today I put that into practice. There is a wonderful hissing sound which could have been easily eliminated by getting rid of some of the upper sounds and increasing the bass, but I instead found the hiss beautifully nostalgic (my ode to Tom Milsom’s “explorers” series (a great inspiration to me) and Alex Day’s “dead and gone”).
I can honestly say that it’s fantastically fake saxophone sounds and brilliantly bland synths MADE the track. (That sounded sarcastic, it really really wasn’t).
I’ve yet to record many of the layers to the track, and so I really can’t say how it sounds, but I will upload it to BandCamp at the first opportunity – no matter what I think of it! Because, I can assure, that if I don’t promise you this now, it will never get uploaded, as I will try to perfect it, and perfect it, until finally it’s 10 times worse than it was in the first place.
I don’t think that I will ever be REALLY happy with what I create, but if, by some odd coincidence, something I do, makes someone else, just a tiny bit more happy than when they witnessed it, then I am sure, that that occurrence would make me happy.
In the mean time (“and in between time”) (even though it may never happen), I shall try to keep my insecurities and dissatisfaction under raps, and not watch, read or listen to past creations and pick too many holes in them.
Once again, I seem to have rambled on for far to long and so I shall bring this post to a close, thank you once again for allowing me to spew my thoughts and feeling all over you mind.
And i don’t think this will become a regular occurrence as I am planning to only post when I feel like it, but I am rather enjoying this experience so far!